This is personal...

Tonight was ugly. Jacob had what we call in our home, "a major meltdown." He was uber-tired and he didn't get what he wanted and it quickly escalated into hysteria and frustration. And here's the deal- this post is not about my child. This post is about me.

I "pride" myself on being a person who can figure things out. God has given me a moderate amount of intellegence and I supplement that with things I read or research. I keep trying things until I figure out what works best in a situation I am in or problem I have.

Current problem="I got nothin'." My son represents a problem that I do not have the resources, information or power to fix. Honestly, as I prayed, I realized that I think my pride is hurt. I cannot heal or repair my son's issues and that frustrates my pride. Don't misunderstand me- I hurt so much for Jacob and how he struggles. However, right now, the problem is ME. Scripture says that God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Well, I don't think my mindset is humility folks.

The dictionary defines pride as a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc. The opposite of pride= humility.

Is God opposing me? So that I can see the error of my thinking? My faulty mindset that hard work and intellegence can fix that which is broken? Only God has the power to truly heal or repair broken people-where did my arrogance come from? I can see that my concept of who I am and who God is are skewed today. P.R.I.D.E. What an ugly word.

Wednesday, we have a woman from the school district coming to our house for a few hours to interview us and Jacob and watch us interact. Then she'll observe him at school and set up a plan for how to help us "train" Jacob at home. Basically, its parent training for Chris and I. Which we need. Admitting that is my baby step toward walking in humility with God.